November 2003
What better to start off a new month than a picture of a toilet! Here's the one from the Hotel in Tokyo complete with control panel at the side. As the writing was in Japanese it took a bit of trial and error to get the right temperature of water to shoot up and wash your bottom on completing your performance. The drying hot air which followed leaves me longing for more!
My first piano piece. After 3 hours of practice I can now read and play (at the same time) this: Little Brow Jug
How time flies since that last diary entry. Lots of stress at work at the moment but there's always the Christmas holidays to lookforward to.
Not a very exciting weekend in store. The highlight will be cleaning out the fish tank. I need some time to do absolutely nothing. A video arrived from home today so I think I might veg out like a good old slob in front of the telly.
Heard from Dave Miller, someone last seen when I was working at Camp Tamarak in the early eighties. He sends this little gem:
After reading your diary today I wanted to add this joke: "The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.:
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.:
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'...
Must be joker's day today. Just received this from Samantha:
On the first day god created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?".
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have s*x, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have s*x, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
Sam suggests this for the next Firecrackers show. I think it would be great! (click on the movie below once it has downloaded)
End of a busy week. A weekend by the sea to look forward to as we enter the "perfect" weather season here. Lynn and Barbara arrive on Monday.
Still haven't confirmed my flights home for Christmas... Khun Payap, the travel agent has recommended I hang out till the last minute before paying.
Lynn and Barbara arrived last night at around midnight. They have finished the Australia leg of their holiday and are spending their last few days with me in Happyland. I've been promised stories a plenty over dinner this evening of their adventures down under. Only two and a half weeks till my next holiday when I can start having adventures again.
Up at 5am this morning to take Lynn and Barbara to the Imperial Queen's Park Hotel where they were to join a tour to The Bridge Over The River Kwai. Here they are sitting in the back of my car with wake-up coffees in hand.
The most glorious weather here in Thailand at the moment. Sunny blue skies with a cooling breeze. Read The Times in the hammock hanging in the roof garden while eating breakfast this morning. Two weeks till the Christmas holidays begin but we have next Friday off for the King?s Birthday.
I made a web page called ?Wordles? for a maths class once. It was very amateurish but it appears near the top of the search results when you search Google or Yahoo for ?Wordles?. Now don?t ask me why but many people are searching for Wordles at the moment so this pathetic little web page is getting thousands of hits. Perhaps I should do something with it? get sponsorship or something. Maybe I could live off my wordless?
Party tonight? Theatre tomorrow.
The four secretaries working in the Secondary School office here are called Ting, Tong, A and Bee.
Shep sends the following...
Subject: Male Bashing Reversed
>1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
>2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>3. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
>5. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>6. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
>7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up
>once you let him in.
>8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
>9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
>10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
>12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
>13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
>14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
>15. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
>16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in everycountry, son."
>17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted," The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
>18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
>19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
>20. Why do brides wear white? Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and oven.