May 2004
My internet hosting service is having a bad time at the moment. The service has been down more than it has been up. I've just noticed that they've replaced all my data with their backup copy so all my recent diary entries for the last two months have been lost. Let's be honest though.... were they worth keeping?
And now I find that my email has been down for the last two days. Worse than that, it hasn't been bouncing messages back to the sender so if you have sent me an email in the last few days it won't have arrived and you'll be none the wiser.
It's the final of Survivor tonight. In the staff sweep I've drawn Jenna who doesn't stand a chance of winning!
As a brightner for this boring journal Samantha sends the following:
Sorry your Diary is so Dull! This may make you smile. Did you hear that the Mint Condition Gym at the Gala Baths in Walsall burnt down on Friday, shortly after my early morning session there? Apparently the pool customers had to be evacuated to the Civic Centre reception, so around lunchtime it was full of (mostly) naked, wet people wrapped in foil emergency blankets! I knew I worked too hard on that treadmill! Picture is the view of the fire from our office around 1pm.
And another from Sam!
"Dear Whizza, (don't ask why she calls me that!)
Can't remember, but do you like spiders?
They run 10 mph, jump three feet, are a nocturnal spider, so only come out at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with Novocain so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because it has been gnawing on it all night long. If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow over it, and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly run for your shadow, and scream the whole time it is chasing you. PS. The one on the bottom is eating the one on the top. These are Spiders found daily in IRAQ by troops. Imagine waking up and seeing one of these in your tent!!
Highlight of today was test driving my new Teasmade! I know it sounds sad, but yes, they do still make them - and you can't beat not having to run downstairs to make the tea in a morning! Very civilised!
Love Sam x "
As Doug points out, those spiders aren't quite as big as they first appear. Initially they look the size of the soldier's leg; but if you compare with the size of the guy's hand in the top right of the photo they're a much more manageable size. I guess they're the type of photo the Daily Mirror would publish (On the radio news at the moment is the story that the Iraq torture pictures were a hoax).
Sam's on a roll. I think she's now sending me her cabaret act! here's her Bush Quotes:
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
- Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- Governor George W. Bush
I finally got in to see The passion of the Christ yesterday. For me it was a film of four quarters. The first quarter I had real trouble getting the films Life of Brian and Jesus Christ Superstar out of my head. I kept expecting a juggling cripple of a baritone high priest. The second quarter I started to realise the power this story had on my life. I must have sung tens of thousands of hymns in my life and the words suffering and pain were simply lyrics with no meaning. The film bought it all into perspective. The third quarter was when I was started to get uncomfortable on my seat and the slow motion falling scenes of Christ carrying the cross was a little over done. The fourth quarter however saved the film, It bought the emotions to a suitable climax and gave the the audience a sense of having been through an ordeal. I left the cinema suitably thoughtful and humbled.
Bookings have been confirmed, I'm of to Western Australia this summer (or winter depending on which side of the equator you're reading this from). Next week is half term (3 days off) then it's all down hill to the end of the school year. That'll be six years for me, one more year and I'll equal my record for the length of time in one job.
Another holiday! That means a little work in the house this morning then into the city for a lunch time party at a friend's downtown apartment. If I don't have too much to drink I hope to see "Passion of Christ" this afternoon. Has anyone out there seen it?
It would have been today that Greeny would have arrived if he hadn't been ill. Get well soon.
Nick's latest offering:
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head
Not to be outdone, Sam retaliates with:
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine, now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Twice in a week I've been to the cinema. Yesterday it was to see Troy. Having been to Greece last year I thought it would be a good opportunity remember.
These days, whenever I've seen a film, it's good to look at the internet Movie database (http://www.imdb.com/) which contains everything you could possibly want to know about a film. I quite like the "trivia" and the "goofs" sections. It was also interesting to see that it was shot in Mexico.
It's half term and I'm on the road. Not sure where I'm going; no change there!
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the
neighbouring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Ralphie, would you go next
door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"
A few minutes later, Ralphie returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that now she's angry with you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said that it's none of your business how old she is!"
Spot the aerobicing white man!
A reminder has just popped up on screen to remind me that I have missed Nick's birthday by one day again (like every year). Nick, can I be the first to wish you a very happy birthday for next year.
.... A quick search on Google Images for "Animated Birthday" and this dog is what you get!
Well Nick must have has a really wonderful birthday. I think he must have spent the evening buying and selling on eBay. Look at his latest listing:
Good luck, hope you sell it!
Happy Birthday Mom! If you are wondering what all those pieces are that dropped out of your card; they're a jigsaw puzzle. I discovered that the local photo shop can make jigsaws from digital photos so I sent in our Christmas day lunch (the photo not the food) for processing. If you haven't figured it out yet, the picture looks like this:
Actually, when the picture was taken, Ben wasn't there so I've pasted him in from another photo. As I was taking the photo, I was missing too so I've pasted my handsome mug onto the picture hanging on the wall.
Happy Birthday