APRIL

30th March - 11th April

Easter in Australia (School Trip!)

12th April

Three important tips for getting upgraded from economy class on Indian Airlines:

1. Dress smartly and smile like a Cheshire cat
2. Walk confidently up to the executive check in desk instead of the economy desk (pretending that you didn't notice the difference)
3. In your poshest voice casually ask if there is the possibility of an upgrade...

It worked for me on the outward flight to to India so on the return journey...

Repeat steps 1 - 3 adding that you had been upgraded on the outward journey.

At this point I was asked which company I worked for... as quick as a flash I said ########## (woops can't tell you that.. trade secret!)

13th April

14th April

"I just looked over the recipe, and I see now that it called for two tablespoons of rum. For some reason, maybe because I was nervous because I don't cook that much, I misread that as two bottles of rum."

Which reminds me of when I was on the plane flying to India; being in Executive Class I was persuaded to have two Bloody Marys before breakfast. This putting me in a jolly sort of mood I started to read the book I'd just bought. This letter from Ellen to her friend just cracked me up ...

Dear Morgana ...

15th April

There is the soldier in full camouflage gear who travels by bus to the Singapore Army HQ where he works as a clerk. What he needs the camouflage for I've no idea. Then there's the blind man who always manages to get off the bus at the correct stop where he uses his white cane to find a seat. He wipes the seat with his hand then sits down to wait for a colleague to collect him and take him the rest of the way to work.

Gradually the bus has been filling up with girls all dressed identically in their blue tunics. We then pass the convent school and they all get off and walk up the hill into the school like an army of well drilled ants. Further on we pass the boys school. All the boys on the bus are also dressed identically in their white shirts and white trousers/shorts. All except one, the rebel... he wears a red baseball cap but as soon as he gets off the bus he takes off the cap, hides it in his bag and runs his fingers through his hair. He mustn't be seen near his school wearing a cap!!!

Next I pass a building site. Half a dozen Bangladeshi workers dressed only in their lunghis are standing outside the Portacabin where they live and they're all cleaning their teeth while they watch the traffic pass.

I wonder what they all think of me ... the only westerner on the bus!

16th April

Getting a little concerned everytime I watch the regional weather forecast on BBC World that it is always hotter in Bangkok than in Singapore!

17th April

18th April

• Of all the known forms of animal life ever to live on the earth, only about 10 percent are still around today!
  
• Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!
  
• On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan.

19th April

I haven't received any e-mail from my Birmingham address for the last three days. I think there is a problem with the mailing server ... so if you've sent me a message, please send it again

20th April

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor

As an avid DAILY reader of the tabloid adventures of JT, I must commend you on the addition of these new cartoons. They brighten my day nearly as much as the Letter from Ellen did. I guffawed so much, I had a sore throat. I then copied it to several acquaintances who are not privileged enough to be subscribers to the Daily JT.


Nick
(reader no. 2479)

21st April

1. Equipment used: Scissors (medium), scissors (large), razor (sharp, old style), oil (bottle of), trimmer (electric), brush (regular), brush (horse grooming style) and a very large powder puff (clown at circus style).
2. Techniques used: Cutting, blowing, brushing, dampening, squirting oil on forehead then slapping me, taking my head into both of his hands and jerking it to one side till my neck clicked (first to the left then to the right), pouring large amounts of talcum powder down the neck of my shirt then tickling me with the powder puff.

I wouldn't mind so much if all the other waiting customers (with numbered tickets in hand, all Indian... the customers that is not the numbered tickets!) were staring and laughing at me during the whole process.

I am now sporting a very short hair style... (think I might wear baseball cap to school tomorrow!).

22nd April

23rd April

Thanks to Nick for the captions for the yearbook page (see yesterday). Unfortunately the "Singapore Web Enforcers and the Young Sensors of Computer Knowledge" ( or S.W.E.A.T.Y. S.O.C.K) have forbidden me from printing them here... but thanks Nick ... very funny ... particularly the comment about the sausage, fruit bowl and jelly! ....hehehehehehehe

24th April

If anyone there back in the homeland has got a Fagin style coat ... and could get it to Andy Quinton before he flies out out here on Monday... I'd be as happy as a McDonald's meal. !!

25th April

26th April

27th April

Keep your eye on these pages for the latest important world news stories as they happen.

28th April

Sorry for the intrusion but all I can say is ...Hot, Humid and uncomfortable. Now you may be forgiven for thinking that this is a song title from a Cole Porter song, infact these were my instinctive reactions on arriving in Singapore earlier this evening. Hot, because it was. Humid.....because it was. Uncomfortable because I'd spent what seemed like an eternity sitting on a plane in a seat designed for Kate Moss. Things were made worse by having the misfortune to spend the entire journey sitting next to a woman who was the spitting image of T.V's Robbie Coltraine ! Infact she caught me looking at her many times, but she didn't catch me watching her bite her nails and discard the "bits" into the ashtray in the arm of her seat. YUK!!!! Needless to say it was a relief to land at Singapore and be rid of Cracker. I think she was staying on board until Sydney, now bearing in mind that she had been flying for nearly 12 hours and she had another 8 or so to go, that ashtray of hers is going to be as full as a slate hangers nail bag. Anyway before everyone switches off in the wake of these lowering tone revelations I shall hastily continue.

A welcome sight indeed was that of John meeting me at the airport. After shaking hands we embraced, we danced a little, we cried a little.....apparently all of the immigration officers do that to you when you arrive. So after that I say hello to John.." long time no see" . We were reserved in our greeting not like those officials who were still waving to me with one hand and gently brushing away a solitary tear with the other.

The uncomfortable was quickly disappearing and feeling in my bottom was restoring with every step, "num bum" is one of those unfortunate consequences of flight travel. Hot and humid it certainly was and is. We took a short taxi ride through the busy wide highway, the glistening of office windows shimmered down from the distant skyscrapers. The road was fresh with a recent rainfall, the air was close and warm.

That's the prose bit done with. Having arrived at the apartment I got the grand tour, nice place ..infact a very nice place, but of all the features the best was to be found in my bedroom. but first you should be familiar with a little pre amble that leads up to this. Whenever I have the good fortune to bump into Nick Cripps he always greets me with the same line; " Alright Andy, how are you?.......you're putting on a bit of weight int ya? The trouble is I usually have. But it doesn't matter now because in this bedroom there is a wardrobe, and on this wardrobe is a mirror, and this mirror is what they call a complementary mirror, and a complementary mirror may give a reflection, but it doesn't give a true reflection of what is in front of it. It makes everything look....erm....skinny. A-ha at last. So Nick I'm going to get a pair of glasses made up for you using the same complementary glass which you can wear everytime you see me. Can you imagine the greeting " Alright Andy, how are you?....you've lost a bit of weight int ya". (If only).

Back to the plot. I showered and changed and after a drink or three we had a quick tour of the immediate surroundings via the H.R.T oops sorry the M.R.T the underground system. I must remember that it's the M.R.T and not H.R.T. I don't want to write on my postcards," weather is fine, food is scrummy, and I've been on the H.R.T. Everyone at home thinks that I'm out here on vacation not having hormone replacement therapy. Then again I could always be one of those Thai boy girls, dancing in the bars wearing a boob tube and lip gloss. Then again the thought of me dressed up like that brings back horrible images of that woman who sat next to me on the plane.

After a brief tour we made our way back to the apartment. I've just realised how long this drivel is but I can't sign off until I tell you the story of the Indian cafe. Just before we returned home we stopped off for a late night coffee at a street cafe down a backstreet. The buzz word here is clean clean clean and even cleaner, unfortunately this joint hadn't grasped the plot ,but coming from Wednesfield this didn't put me off. Half way through my coffee I needed to pee. So I made my way through the cafe, through the kitchens to where I found an old Indian lady peeling onions. I said to her "toilet?" and she turned her head and nodded and her eyes led me to 2 urinals just 3ft behind her. O.K I thought, they do this in France all the time. So I began with the old lady peeling onions behind me. (no door). At this point I noticed a little lizard walking around just above my urinal at about waist height. Now all of the guys tuning in will understand this and please ladies don't feel alienated but a visit to the loo for a guy can turn into a game of wars ,with floating objects, fag ends and the like being bombarded by the nuclear headed water cannon. The sight of the lizard was tempting, just imagine guys a moving target. But as this was going to be a major military task (above waist height) I thought I'd check first. I slowly turned my head through 90 degrees.................there she was the old onion peeler looking at me with a grin like a Cheshire cat with no teeth. MISSION ABORTED. The lizard was lucky and the fun was over.

We got back to the apartment had some Horlicks and I, by this time was whacked! I needed some sleep. this sleep however was to be short lived. Stay tuned to find out why, and I promise It won't be as long as this epic. Goodnight Singapore...........Q.

29th April

Funny really. You wander through life, gathering life's experiences. You have ups and downs and people come and go. We get older and wiser and assume that life's surprises happen far less often as our walk down the path of life continues. Well that's what I thought until I got the shock of my life this morning, let me explain.

I am what they term a light sleeper, and this morning I was awoken by strange noises. I say strange because I hadn't quite got my bearings waking in an unfamiliar place and all, and these sounds were.......well it seemed like music...of a sort. I sat up and looked at the clock. 6.03 am. What was that noise? I decided to investigate. I walked into the front room, and the noises (which I had cause to believe was singing and accompanying music) seemed to be coming from John's room. I wasn't going in there so I sat on the settee and rubbed my poor sleepy eyes. 6:07am what the......then all of a sudden the surprise came and it came big time. Johns room door was opened ferociously,out he burst with what seemed the bloody London Philharmonic Orchestra behind him, wearing a floppy rimmed trilby, no shirt, pyjama bottoms singing "you've got to pick a pocket or two". What the hell was going on? he danced round the table singing at the top of his voice.I double checked.....6:09am. It came to me, this Oliver show he's doing at school. He said he was practising at home, but I think that should be in a home. I don't know where his inspiration was coming from but his Fagin was a sort of cross between Bernie Winters, Wayne Sleep and Ethel Merman. This was only the beginning. I sat there, mouth wide open, eyebrows up to my hairline when the song came to an end. I was expecting fireworks over the Singapore skyline, or a Red Arrows fly by after a performance like that. but no, he picked up a cushion from off the settee (as if it was Oliver) and began to recite his dialogue. He knew all of his lines he didn't fumble once. Bang bang bang perfect. That's word perfect. Now I know that John works at an International school but did he really have to incorporate every nations dialect in his dialogue?

"That's a cockney accent" he said.

Well it was to start with..............then it slowly mutated into a West country lilt, before middling out into Indian followed by a Texan drawl, and if I'd have closed my eyes at the end I would have sworn that I was in Wales listening to Max Boyce. but there is plenty of time yet to master the Eastender bit before showtime. Just think I can listen to the progress every morning at 6:03.

He then popped his hat onto the chair straightened his hair turned back into his room as cool as you like saying

"You don't think the neighbours heard that do you?"

No...........but I bet the rest of South East Asia did!

I'll keep you posted of the young upstarts progress. But after yesterdays epic I don't think I'll keep you too long today. Just to say that I have been checking out the sights on my todd (John is working during the day) I am still a bit knackered after the flight but that will soon pass. Had a meal at Planet Hollywood and intend to get to the beach tomorrow. I'll sign off now as I'm all sleepy again....goodnight Singapore........Q

I would just like to add that the Fagin hat was expertly designed and made by Irene who gave it to me to bring over. Let me tell you Irene when he dons that hat, he is Fagin. Spooky.

30th April

Having by now consumed enough caffene to make the Tasmanian devil seem laid back, I make my way to the beach. Now the beach is on an Island called Sentosa which is a cable car ride from the harbour. I decided to take a taxi to the cable car terminal where I bought my ticket for the Island. The cable car ride takes about 10 minutes, but I hate cable cars so it seemed like I was up there for hours. Having arrived I found my spot. Palm trees, 90 degree heat ,warm blue water, sounds idilic. It was, until Moby Dick here arrived. It's a good job I wasn't in Japan or I'd have been harpooned. I settled down to a good couple of hours ray catching but ended up burning my back. That's the drawback of sunbathing alone, no-one to put the lotion on your back.

The Island of Sentosa has many sights, and I hope to return next week to check them all out. Arriving back I met with John and we had an Indian meal followed by a drink in an Irish pub, which could have been in Wolverhampton really. It was chocka with ex Pats all pissed and singing and treading on your feet and all that. It was magic.

I must admit that this entry is rather erm...serious. I'll let you into a secret, I'm writing this on Sunday 3rd May because I've just had a non stop weekend that takes some believing, and some reading. So I'm saving the good stuff for tomorows entry. Prepare for a stonking good tale, get yourself a beer, a hanky (to wipe away the tears) and a cushion for your seat. I'll tell you all starting tomorrow.

Goodnight Singapore..................Q