Wednesday 1st

Having recently completed quite a bit of travelling and had my passport examined by a number of immigration officers I was not surprised to read the following story in the Bangkok Post:

After the Thai Airways plane on which the Thai Prime Minister was due to fly had an unfortunate mishap last February, the ensuing investigations raised a number of issues. One thing that surfaced was that the airline didn't really know who was travelling with them on domestic flights as many folks had tickets in false names. So understandably, they introduced a number of "security measures" to ensure they knew exactly who was on board any particular flight.

Recently a friend experienced these measures firsthand. He bought a ticket to Bangkok in a main provincial THAI office and was asked to hand over his passport. They duly inspected his passport and made out a ticket to him without any problem.

It was with a feeling of amusement, tinged with concern, that he saw his ticket had been issued to "British Citizen, Mr", the spelling error for Citizen being the least of his concerns. However, he had got his ticket so he happily went to the airport-and got a boarding pass in the same name. When entering the departure lounge he was asked for his passport, which was duly looked at but no query was raised. He then proceeded to enjoy a smooth as silk flight to Bangkok as "British Citizen, Mr." Considering that approximately 600,000 Brits come annually to Thailand, he did begin to wonder how many other people had flown under that same name in recent weeks.

Thursday 2nd

Bit of the ol' dehydration today. Received an email yesterday from Nick after a long period of e-silence. That was all the excuse I needed to celebrate ... so I went to "Radio City" and had a great time surrounded by all that Nick type music. Didn't see Elvis but did really enjoy their new female vocalist followed by the owner, Kev Wood (from Wayne Fontana and the mindbenders). Went to another music bar after that but not quite as good.

Friday 3rd

Dear Whizza,
As a previous interested party in the activities of the "Tarts" you will be pleased to hear that the time has come round again for our annual "Jolly Girls" outing (10th anniversary trip). We will be setting off today to terrorise York for the weekend!  We will of course keep you posted with a blow by blow account of the events. 
Unfortunately Lyn won't be coming this year as she's chosen to go to a wedding instead (typical!). There will, however, be the usual motley crew of Loz, Chris Jones, Karen Jones (no relation), Annette, Chris McEwan, Karen Hawkes and me, so wait with anticipation (and watch those headlines!)
H&K

Sam Price

..and here it is; the first installment:

Arrived for a leisurely lunch at "The Village" Hotel.  Began plotting a similar lifestyle for several years time when we are widows (well known fact - women outlive men),  and are now seeking applications for fit, half -naked, lightly oiled (preferably Italian) men to help us around our daily tasks. Light duties, but will be required to push wheelchairs, and "additional" services from time to time, (sanatogen permitting.) After a lengthy coach journey with Terry the driver (more on him later) we arrived at the hotel, where we began our second food fest of the weekend. A bedroom picnic,  (from an idea by the County Commissioner, and therefore Scout Association approved.) supplied by each of us. It was here that Loz taught us an amazing trick with Cadbury's chocolate fingers - who says you don't learn something new every day?  You must try this - take one (or as many as you think you have room for) chocolate finger and nibble off the top and the bottom. Insert into a drink (our researchers tried red wine, white wine, brandy & coffee - but the choice is yours) and suck, very hard. As soon as you feel the drink coming out of the top of the finger, quickly eat it - and enjoy the sensation. Unanimously discovered to be better than sex!

Saturday 4th

We all managed to arrive for breakfast  at 8am, after which Terry took us into York.  I don't know how you qualify to be a coach driver - but apart from the obvious credential of being able to drive a coach, I would have thought a lively personality would have been fairly high up the list on the job description.  Good old Terry seemed to have missed out on that one but made up for it with a monotone delivery and a compunction for using the microphone to give us the instructions three times without changing a word or taking a breath.  We quickly managed to alienate the whole coach by talking and giggling through takes two and three of the messages. Every time he took to the mike we could feel ourselves losing the will to live. Our first decision of the day was to take an open topped tour of the city. Fab, except that the weather instantaneously turned from sun to thundery showers as we emerged up the stairs.  So after an hour of shivering under umbrellas, we need sustenance of coffee and cakes.  As the rain was still howling down, we made went straight for culture by visiting the Minster. The National Youth Choir were performing while we were there, so we could admire the cathedral accompanied by the haunting sounds of a fantastic choir. It was truly one of those moments when the hairs stood up on the back of your neck. Sad to say that was the only culture we had as the rest of the day was taken up with shopping and food (a tough job, but someone has to do it). We decreased our popularity with the other passengers by being last back to the coach, and spent the evening drinking, eating and laughing (a messy combination when done at the same time)

So while we wait for the next thrilling installment, here is an intermission picture:

I took this picture yesterday of the Exam Hall being transformed to the new Maths Classrooms. Will they be ready for the first day back?

Sunday 5th

Saw "Planet of The Apes", quite good; then attempted a Sunday afternoon shopping spree in Seacon Square (5th largest shopping centre in the world). Big mistake. It was busier than a very very busy place. Waited ages for a taxi due to the demand far exceeding the supply.

Anyway, less of the small talk, what you are really waiting for is the last installment of the Jolly Girls Weekend:

Most of us managed to show up for breakfast at 8am, although claims by Loz and Chris Jones to have used the gym and the pool prior to their arrival at 8.30am were put in doubt by the fact that they were still in their pyjamas! Sunday was spent shopping, eating and drinking, talent scouting Italian lookalikes and plotting our new business venture. I can't give details here, but this time next year (Rodney) we'll be e-millionaires!  So no headlines in national dailys and a mega weekend had by all!

So there we must leave them. The lasting images in my mind are of Loz and Chris pumping iron in their pyjamas and Sam sucking Guiness through a chocolate finger. It's Terry the coach driver I feel sorry for.

Monday 6th

My new maid starts today. Her name is Mem.

Tuesday 7th

AIR crew asked passengers to move to the front of an aircraft to help to steady it after a control column jammed, a report from the Air Accidents Investigation Branch disclosed yesterday.

Moving the 71 passengers reduced pressure on the controls and the flight, from Newcastle, landed safely at Paris.

Sent off my first ever tax return today. Ho do people cope? It drove me round the bend.... (no there's an expression I haven't heard for a long time.

Wednesday 8th

The Sahotas' new album is nearly ready:

Monday's cartoon of the new maid hanging out the dishes was not that far from the truth. I have not managed to get into the gym yet this week due to wet clothes hanging all over the equipment. The bed has been made up with odd sheets and pillow cases she's found around the house and things have found their way into the strangest cupboards. This is the first job she's had so this morning I demonstrated how to scrub the floors, clean the windows and puff up the cushions on the chairs. As I type this I can here something cracking up stairs. I daren't go up and look what she's doing.

I think I've been a pampered ex-pat for too long.

Yipee I see I've won 10 pounds on the UK lottery with the six numbers I've had since the lottery started. Hope my Mom noticed because she's got the ticket!

Thursday 9th

"Ey, boss I no come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me  feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great,  I be at work soon. You gotta nice house."

Thanks Shep

Friday 10th

Free tickets for "Opera Masterpiece" performed by the Bangkok Symphony Orchestra at the Thailand Cultural Centre. Excellent evenings entertainment followed by dinner at the new Vietnamese restaurant at the northern tip of Silom (opposite McDonalds).

Saturday 11th

I heard a joke while I was in Australia. "How do you know when a plane full of Poms has arrived?...Even after the engines have been turned off the whining continues!"

Well living up to my British stereotype here's my whinge of the day: Taxi drivers... why cant they drive smoothly? Accelerator, brake, accelerator, brake, accelerator, brake .... 

Sunday 12th

Today is Mother's day in Thailand. It's the Queen's Birthday.

I invited Finn (One and a half years old) round to dinner... and his parents came too! Nick and Julie took it in turns to eat while the other one followed Finn around the house investigating my gadgets, rearranging the furniture and emptying draws!

Monday 13th

Comfortable it certainly wasn't, "white knuckle" better describes the boat ride I had today. There's an area to the south west of Bangkok shown of the map as being swamp type area. Very few roads and buildings but plenty of prawn farms. Amazingly bus number 142 takes you from the end of Soi la Salle right up to the outskirts of this area. A road leads right through the centre flanked by seafood restaurants in the process of being built.

After picking at a supposedly delicious seafood meal (I'm not big on seafood) in one of the completed restaurants on stilts (the restaurant was on stilts... not me)... and washing it down with two bottles of beer, I was whisked at twice the speed of light in this motorised canoe around this water world.

Fascinating, exhilarating and quite frightening.

Tuesday 14th

Heard from Brian, Jean and Jas that they'll be coming to visit in October ... with 7 others!! ...let's get that extension built.

Wednesday 15th

Bought some pickled cabbage from Villa and had it with cheese on a sandwich for lunch. If my diary get's any more exciting I'll let you know.

Thursday 16th

One advantage of my new job is getting to try out the latest products... before they are even officially launched. I'm now editing this web page using Front Page 2002. Part of MS Office XP Professional. And just to prove it here's some word art created within Front Page editor:

 

Friday 17th

And I've discovered that this Office XP software has voice recognition too. I am speaking to the computer rather than typing it and I would like to say how good it is that it actual fact it's making far too many mistakes to things I'm trying to say that to the software provides some training lessons but it is but a host to put but addict to

Saturday 18th

The new staff fly into Thailand this morning for the first glimpse of the country and the school. I remember three years ago when I was shown around my new school for the first time. It's strange to be answering all the questions I asked back in August1998.

Evening cocktail reception at The Royal Princess Hotel.

Sunday 19th

From Nick

So, I have returned in one piece, from an event that I was quite apprehensive about. "The Package Holiday".

However, I must say that I am very pleasantly surprised and amazingly relaxed after a superb week away. If ever you want a holiday where everything is done for you and you just don't want to think, then this is for you. Right from the day I booked it, Thompsons did everything for us. The hotel was swish, the buffet food, as much as you can eat, was of a high standard, and the girls liked it (major bonus!). The hotel facilities were excellent and the evenings entertainment ranged from amateur night to professional acts like four tops tribute band and Stan Boardman.

On our last night, though, we went to see a show, and all I could think about is how I wished you and JP could be there to see it. It was one of the best evenings entertainment I've had in a very long time. It cost over £100 for the tickets but, money well spent. The show is called "Odisee" and is at a place called Son Amar (Son Amar website!) It was a cabaret so there was a meal included in this purpose built area. There were singers doing everything from Robbie Williams to Thriller to Phantom, dancers doing Carmena Burana, Spanish and also River dance, a David Copperfield illusionist who turned girls into tigers and made a full size helicopter appear on stage, a mime comedian, acrobats, dancers that flew into the audience just above the heads wearing flourescent costumes.

Are you getting the picture?

Throughout there was a full show band playing, laser lights, smoke machines, and it was finished by a 45 minute singalong concert by the original Drifters, followed by the whole cast parading on stage in way out costumes.

I hope you have it now.

Singers and dancers doing Thriller, Carmena Burana, Flourescent costumes, Comedy mime, Magic Trick, Singalong session, final parade of cast.

You've got it. It was a professional production of Firecrackers unfolding before my eyes. I was gobsmacked, I even bought the show video for you to see it. It was spectacular.

I'll let you chew on this and get back to you later.
 

Monday 20th

Too busy to write the diary today.

Tuesday 21st

Too busy to write the diary again today.

Wednesday 22nd

What do you mean you're too busy to write your diary? You're letting your readers down!!! Will this help ...

It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as Windaz Too Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle.

If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.

You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz  2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale.

Also note:
The recycle bin is labelled "Shite"
Dialup network is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we mess aboot wi the settins"
The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"

Other features to note:
Ok - Alreet
Cancel - Stoof that
Yes - Aye
Goto - Owa there
Help - Ah cannit dee it

Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000

Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin book - a graphics package
Addin masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Porn - Internet Explorer

Microsoft are sending a containment team to the area but there are fears that the version has escaped the net and will turn up on a computer near you when you least expect it.
 

Shep

Thanks Shep!

Thursday 23rd

Even Jamie is contributing to the diary:

Friday 24th

First day of in service training at school. Teachers learn how to create web pages. First one up on the web is from John Earls, my next door neighbour.

Saturday 25th

The school network is having a major reconfiguration so the technicians are in school all day today reconfiguring. I went into school to work too ... bit of moral support.

Sunday 26th

Planning trip to England for Christmas then new year in Austria (possibly skiing). Watch these pages for more details as they develop.

Monday 27th

Ideas for future meetings (from Shep)

• Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.
• When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute half a biscuit to each of the attendees.
• Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. Once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'
• Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
• Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.
• Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' and 'Charlie don't surf.'
• Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using Star Wars action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
• Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
• Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.
• Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
• Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face.
• Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
• Hum 'We'll meet again' throughout your meeting.
• Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
• Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:'What's the margin, Marvin?', 'When's this turkey gonna get basted?', 'If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'.
• Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
• Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
• When referring to someone in the room always call them your 'homey.'
• Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED.
• At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.
• Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "In Tray".
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, change it to espresso.
• Adjust the tint on your PC monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire office. Insist to other that you like it that way.
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what sex they are.
• At the drive-through McDonalds, specify that your order is "to go".
• Call the Psychic Hotline and just say "Guess".
• When the money comes out of the cash machine, scream "I won! I won! That's the 3rd time this week!".
• Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go".
• Every time you see a broom, yell at your spouse "Honey, your mother's here!".

Well the school network and mail server are still having problems so if you have emailed me recently and not had a reply it means I did not receive your email ... it got chewed up by the school server ... please try again.

Tuesday 28th

Launched a "Teachers Centre" section of the school web site. The launched was marred by many problems with the school network however. Dinner at Pasand Indian Restaurant, Sukhumvit Soi 12, arranged to meet Sak there but I arrived an hour too early. When he arrived I was well into my fourth beer. Excellent food, very good service and cheap.

$  $  $  $  $  

Wednesday 29th

"Back To School", the pupils come back today. School email system fails to work all day. If you are trying to email me please use my jct@bigfoot.com address.

Thursday 30th

Still many problems with our email system at school and our windows upgrade looks like this:

Friday 31st

The waste ground next to school has been converted into a huge paved minibus park. A gang of workmen and women in blue T-shirts must have laid hundreds of thousands of tiles and today I saw it being used by the school's 195 minibuses.

Search over 130 diary pages from when I worked in Singapore and Bangkok. If you type in your own name you can see what has been written about you!