Tuesday 1st

Happy New Month!

I Have decided that I'll stay here next year rather than move into the city. I'd just miss the 4 minute trip to work every morning... a luxury I haven't got tired of yet. So the apartment hunting has come to an end.

Just had a look at the diary for last month. I can tell by clicking on that STAT counter at the bottom of the page which countries the diary readers come from. I'm amazed that people read the diary in: United Kingdom, Singapore, Thailand, Australia, Malaysia, Japan, USA, Sweden, Canada, Germany, Norway, Iceland, India, USA Government, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, Slovak Republic, Finland and Hungary!

Wednesday 2nd

If all the world's a stage, where do the audience sit?

Thursday 3rd

Can't think of anything interesting to write so though I'd write something uninteresting (just for a change)

• 6am Wake up and stumble into bathroom. The beer going in last night needs to get out.

• 6:02 Climb back into bed thinking can get another 8 minutes of much needed sleep before radio alarm goes off.

• 6:10 Radio alarm goes of playing Thai pop music

• 6:15 Backup alarm goes off making funny whining sound

• 6:20 Sound of Sarah's (next door neighbour) radio alarm playing classical music comes through bedroom wall

• 6:25 Learn conversational Thai tape comes on so that I can soak up the language while showering

• 6:30 Singing monks out in street (who collect offerings of food from Thai neighbours) have a new song.

• 6:35 TV World service news comes on TV

Thinks: Why do I need all this noise to get up in a morning?

• 6:40 Two slices of toast, glass of orange juice and two cups of tea (same every morning ... what a "living on the edge" person I am!)

• 6:55 Driver arrives to take me to school .... hehehehehe

• 7:00 Arrive at school to start work

Friday 4th

Graduation assembly today, the seniors students left school. Even though we're a British school, today's assembly had all the emotion of a good American graduation. Moving speeches, stirring music and not a dry eye in the house. Good stuff.

Saturday 5th

What has happened to humour in the UK since I left. Nick, who I thought had his finger on the pulse, is coming up with the strangest thoughts...

Dear Johnny

I've uncovered a conspiracy.

The reason why the Queen wont abdicate. The person to blame is the Queen Mother. You see, if the Queen abdicated, then the Queen Mother would become the King Grandmother. Now when said fast, "Where's the Kin' Grandmother?" one can perhaps understand why she keeps persuading her daughter to carry on.

Have a nice holiday, er I mean working week.

Nick

Sunday 6th

Having decided to stay here next year I found myself buying some more things for the house including a table cloth of all things. For someone who hardly ever eats at home that might seem a very strange thing to buy but.... I have invited the Connors round for a meal (before they leave for Switzerland) then realised I  have forgotten how to cook. Practised by cooking lasagne... I think the parmesan cheese was off as there was a distinctly funny taste to the final product.

Thinks ... if I make a good job of the meal maybe they'll invite me back to their new mountain chalet in Switzerland.... don't tell them I thought that...

Which reminds me I have been asked to make a speech when Julie leaves.. need some witty comments and funny leaving stories ... help!

Monday 7th

Shep was amazed (as I still am) by the friendliness of the Thai people. How so many people smile as they pass you in the street. Shep said he would conduct a comparative survey... here are his findings:

"I'm working out of Baden-Powell House at the moment. It's fun commuting into London at 7.30am every morning! I have been breaking up the journey by buying breakfast in different stages as I travel in. I buy an orange juice at Chingford Station, an apple at Liverpool Street station and a croissant at Gloucester Road Tube station.

I also entertain myself by saying 'hello' to different people and seeing what reaction I get. London Transport have guards standing by the turnstiles at busy times. My success rate so far has been 1 out of 4 who give some kind of reaction - either looking at me and/or giving a forced smile. None have actually replied to me yet and I have this theory that they are:

1)  incapable of speech,
2) have it written into their job descriptions that they are not allowed to
talk on duty
3)  sleep whilst standing up, with their eyes open.

I am no scouring the entire underground system to find a guard who can actually speak!

I also say hello every time I pass a tramp who is living in a box opposite the Natural History Museum. Again, no response so far but I'm seeing how long it takes to get a reaction. He seems to be collecting supermarket trolleys filled with rubbish like cardboard and polythene bags. At the moment there are 6 lined up against the railings, 3 either side of his box but extra ones appear every day."

Back in the UK  a TV series about Bangkok has just started, Wednesdays Channel 4 11pm (I think), Shep's recording it for me.

"... it was not brilliant but is interesting to anyone who has visited the country. It features different people who visit or live in Bangkok.

The first guy married a lady boy and runs a lady boy cabaret bar on an island - one bit shows THE operation (I couldn't watch it!!!!) performed by a Thai doctor. It costs $5000.

The second guy was a brummie ex-ballet dancer who spends 6 months there every year teaching scuba diving..

The best one was a woman from Carlisle who is a leading UK Thai-boxer and went to Bangkok for a match against a Thai boxer. She had to spend several weeks getting acclimatised and working out with Thai boxers.

Now I have a theory! If you remember when we went to the Thai boxing, there were two cameras in the audience. I said at the time that they were each recording the match for some special reason. They were not the  type of cameras usually used for broadcasting the entire match. During the programme we saw short excerpts from a boxing match, just like the ones we saw, recorded on two cameras!!! I know that the chances of it being the same match is slight ... but it would be nice to think so!"

Tuesday 8th

Simon, The brummie on the staff, has the following in his diary for this month.... brilliant:

A Brummie lad goes to an interview wearing a Safari jacket with large collars, huge flared trousers and platform shoes. He sits down and the interviewer says to him, "all you need now is a kipper tie"
To which the brummie replies, "Yes please, two sugars in mine".

Wednesday 9th

Saw our school production this afternoon, very good:

Thursday 10th

Long weekend on a Maths training course in Phuket!

Click here for the full story:

Monday 14th

Sam Price has sent me the following... (I didn't know she had a cat!)

Subject: Giving your cat a pill

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of you left arm as if
holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to
back or mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws.   Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to
hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub  cat's throat vigorously.
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep
shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away.  Apply bandaid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force
mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Applycold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.  Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Hold head vertically and
pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye.  Call at furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.

Tuesday 15th

At last managed to scan Zita's photos of us at the Arsenal game last month ... See May diary.

Wednesday 16th

Exam marking time of year again... yeuch!

Thursday 17th

Imagine the scene... Tropical sun warming the blue water of the olympic size pool. The pool is surrounded by coconut palms and tropical flowers. Birds sing in the trees and there is the distant sound of children playing in the afternoon sun. Exotic dancers slowly gyrate as I enjoy the luxury of having the whole pool to myself.

Well apart from the bit about the exotic dancers it was all true. What an excellent perk to work at a school with three pools that hardly anyone uses after school hours.

Friday 18th

There are 120 pupils in Year 7 at school and Anwar is just one of the crowd. If you didn't know he was a super-star...

Anan Anwar, who is studying at grade seven at the International School of Bangkok, is the latest star of record label RS Promotions. The 12-year-old half-Scottish, half-Indonesian singer shot to the top of the charts with his songs "Pai Rong Rian (Go To School) and "Simon Says". The idea is for Anan to charm us with playful extrovert personality and cute furry mammal looks.

His producer, Sudhipong Vatanajang, former singer well-known under the name Chompoo Fruity, resists the idea that Anan was given an image to fit a market. The young star, he says, was discovered rather than created.

He says: "We didn't have a project of creating any pre-teen star. When we met him, we saw that star quality in him and his abilities to entertain the audience truly by himself. He is a lot more talented than anyone else we've seen at this age. We wanted him since he was seven or eight, but the board decided he was way too young."

Anan, whose older brother Johnny has also had hit singles in the Thai charts as part of the pop duo Johnny and Louis, confirms that he is only doing what comes naturally. "I always love to sing and dance," says Anan. "I saw my brother Johnny being so happy in his singing career, that's why I want to do it too."

Anan's producer Sudhipong agrees: "This is a big chance for him to learn about duty and responsibility. He has to try to organise his time, otherwise neither work nor school will go well."

"It's a good thing when he's happy with his work and proud of himself. La-ter on, he will become a teenager who has self-confidence and knows the va-lue of money."

* Anan Anwar will perform on June 19 at the "Perd Term Zaa" (Back to School) concert at the Indoor stadium Hua Mark at 4 p.m., and every Saturday night at 12:15 am on the Seven Club music video programme on Channel 7.

Bangkok Post

Saturday 19th

When I signed up for the ten pin bowling competition against the other businesses on Soi La Salle, I thought it was an evening function... but the 8:30 sign in time was 8:30am not 8:30pm!!

Rupert and myself were the staff representatives on the two teams entered from Patana. The rest of out team players were admin and transport staff. We didn't win but got a very respectable score.

As it seems that everyone who is anyone saw Star Wars yesterday when it opened in Thailand.. I thought I'd catch it immediately after the bowling. Most screens at all the cinemas were showing it so it didn't prove difficult to get a ticket for a mid-day show.

At the booking counter I saw on the computer screen that all the seats already taken for the show were tightly packed in the rear of the cinema. In fact there was an isle parallel to the screen across the middle of the cinema and not a soul had booked a seat in front of this isle. I thought I'd get more of an effecrt if I sat slightly closer so decided to book a seat in the middle of this empty section at the front of the theatre.

No I've never seen a film in a Thai cinema before so was caught unaware when I heard a clatter of seats behind me as everyone stood up as a film tribute to the King of Thailand came on the screen before the main feature. I quickly caught on and I too stood up.

As I was facing the front and could not see anyone else I thought to myself that I would hear a clatter of seats as everyone sat down and that would be my cue to sit down too.

I think my mind started wandering because the next thing I remember was realising that I had not heard the rest of the audience sit down... the main film had started and I was still standing. The audience had infact sat down several minutes ago as I saw to my horror as I sneaked a peep behind me.  Hyper embarassed, as the familiar Star Wars titles rolled up the screen I quickly sat down and sank as low as I could in my seat so that no one could see me.

The film was great.

Sunday 20th

Do you remember the scene in one of the Indiana Jones films when at a certain time a ray of sun would shine down a certain passage and show where the treasure was buried... or something like that?

Well at exactly 1:25pm, The sun is in just the right position to shine through the skylight at the top of my house, right down the narrow gap past the five flights of stairs to hit the reflective surface of the handrail at the bottom of the staircase. An amazing semi circle of bright white light then forms on the wall downstairs ... lasting for about 90 seconds.

I think I'm the chosen one!!!

Monday 21st

School announces that a new Principal has been appointed, Dr Paul Beresford MBE who will start next January.

Tuesday 22nd

Pauline phones to tell me her house has been broken in to. Music centre and video taken but laptop computer left on the table ...?

Wednesday 23rd

A man is sent to court for burglary. He admits all charges but just as he is about to leave the court the judge asks him… "Before you go I'd like to ask you why all the apartments you have stolen from are on the fifth floor?"

The man replies "That's my storey and I'm sticking to it!"

Thursday 24th

Had a day out of school today visiting a professional web design company in the centre of Bangkok.....excellent

Played my first game of tennis this afternoon (against Hungry Horace and Shy Kim) .. Wimbledon here I come (not)!

Friday 25th

A Friday night out in three parts. First happy hour at my house in Happyland. Then dinner at the Shangri la Hotel (posh). Finally Anan, our Yr 7 pupil and Thai pop star, performed at The Blue Music Club.

Click Here for pictures

 

Saturday 26th

 

It's amazing just how much can be carried on a motorcycle taxi!

It was a bit like a lateral thinking problem. I was talking to the motorcycle taxi driver through the back of his helmet. I was asking him why he had stopped 30 metres short of the red traffic lights when the road in front of us was empty. With the language problem as well I was getting no sense..

Can you think why he stopped where he did?

20 questions...

The diary has just become interactive ... wow

Sunday 27th

Bought two 6kg dumbbell style weights today (very cheap). First step in turning that big room at the top of this house into a gym cum sauna cum jacuzzi cum massage parlour cum gogo bar!

Monday 28th

I've been on a whisky diet all week. So far I've lost 3 days.

Tuesday 29th

This is one of them!

Wednesday 30th