On Monday 5th of March  at 1:35pm Thailand will shake as Nick and Greeny (The Blues Brothers) touch down for their two week stay here. Nick has threatened to take over this diary:

Thursday 1st March

4 days to go

Friday 2nd March

A strange hush descends on the land. Birds leave the skies in anticipation...

Saturday 3rd March

2 days to go

Sunday 4th March

I travel to the Jamboree site to warn them. They don't let me in!

Monday 5th March

They're here !!!!!

So, here we are. Greeny and I are here at Happylands, home to JT in the hustle bustle of Bangkok. To say the journey was epic is a very slight understatement. If anyone out there ever decides to do the cheap option and fly Aeroflot, airline of the Russian Federation, please think again. I will brief Kev in person on the plane specs, needless to say that it was a type unheard of. Entertainment! What entertainment? However, sitting next to Dave is entertainment in itself. He happened to have a view through the curtain to the business class section. Then Dave kept everyone entertained by commentating on what the posher people were having. “They’re having prawn cocktail now. Ooh they’re having soup!” Much to the enjoyment of all around. The Russian air hostess then gave out papers. To all the Russian speakers, there was a choice. To English speakers, she just gave anything in English. Dave had the financial times, I had Mother and Baby. Dave is now preparing to buy an ISA and I want to breast feed. (Lucy and Aimee don’t read that bit!!)

Eventually we arrived in Bangkok. Two young, good looking, high rollers, ripe for a sting. Off we went to book a taxi, faithfully clutching the note given to us by our host. And went straight to the airport limo service. We thought the Mercedes was a bit smart and the price a bit steep, but we eventually arrived in style at the school. See the photo of our arrival!!!!

Back at the house, we fell asleep on the sunbeds before JT came home, then off to the local market for some local food shopping. Now we are about to eat at the Happylands Palace.

My thought for today has been; “It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, or what your situation is, friends will always be friends. It’s as if you were never apart.”

Tuesday 6th

Well, it’s like dying and going to heaven. We’ve just returned from what can only be described as an “amazing adventure”. I’m going to tell you about rip offs, Dave pulling, the buying of our uniforms, the red light area and Elvis Presley.

The day started with me in the gym, working out. I know there are no photos but I’ll make sure there are tomorrow. It’s a very new gym, JT doesn’t use it so I gave it a whirl. Then some sun bathing, before JT picked us up for a grand tour of the school. JP, if you’ve ever wondered why John doesn’t come home, now I know. What a place!

It was after this that we were let off the leash on our own into Bangkok, Oriental city. Off on the skytrain and we were away, into the city. There is so much to say about the day. We decided to get a tuk tuk, a small taxi, based around a vespa scooter. Now this is ok for the average tourist, but when Dave and I got on the back, the front wheel was in the air. The driver then set off through the city, as everyone pointed at us and laughed. At the end, the driver charged us 200 bhat ( the usual fare is 20 bhat) , first sting of the day. Gullable tourists or what!!

Well as the day went on, we began to find our feet and became hardened tourists. We decided that if we were going to be tourists, we’d look like them. So we bought our flowery shirts. Now we look the part! We sat in a restaurant having a snack, when Dave decided to smile at two women as they walked past. That was it. They then followed us round for an hour, winking, waving and provocatively eating ice cream and so on!! Couldn’t shake ‘em off! Mmmmmm.

Then we met JT and went to Patpong, the red light area for dinner. (I was once taught to say that, instead of tea, by a beautiful, posh woman from Sedgley!) After dinner JT took us to a bar that had a superb band on. Kev, they would blow away the Soul Survivors anyday! We were singing away to the bee gees, and many more very accurate covers and having a wail of a time. I decided to go for a wee. Now, you men reading will perhaps identify with this, I can’t go when someone is watching. Call me old fashioned, call me weird, but I just can’t. So how would you feel, when you land at the urinal, poised withtool in hand, eager to empty that bladder area pressing on your side, when a firm pair of hands are placed upon your shoulders and begin to massage away. Down through your back and onto your arms and hot towels on your neck. Well, excuse me, but percy will not play when others are in the playground!!!!!! I came away, still full and bewildered, Dave and JT having no probs with this untimely intrusion to their call of nature. Home with afull bladder for me.

 

Then, the icing on the cake of the day, Elvis Presley came on stage!!!! Yes, the real Elvis is alive and well, and living in Bangkok at the Radio City Bar. We sang our heads off to some Elvis classics and finished a superb day.

Wednesday 7th 

We’ve just returned from day three of the invasion of Thailand. Having got up late today, following our late night out, we headed off for The Grand Palace today in our little taxi. What a superb place, in a general tourist kind of way. We spent a good couple of hours looking around the palace and could not figure out why lots of Thai people kept pointing at, touching and generally stroking Dave. It was only when we went in to see the emerald buddha that we found out why. There was this statue of Dave and everyone was bowing to it! After visiting several more buddhas of several sizes during the afternoon, we realised that Dave, or lucky buddha as peope were now calling him, was becoming somewhat of a celebrity around Bangkok.

We went off to a tailors, where the buddha was measured for a cashmere suit and some silk shirts. Flash buddha! Then headed off to the river where we caught a ship down the river for chinatown. We met a couple of American girls, got chatting and gave them the benefit of our years of experience in Bangkok, (Nice chat up line,eh!) and directed them to chinatown.

We ended up in a Pakistani restaurant for dinner, then off to Patpong again and Radio City. However, by now we were flagging and decided on an early night. We made our way back to JT’s on the Sky Train and Taxi. However, the early night never materialised, and we are now sitting here with the scotch and Firecrackers 2, the video. JP was so funny, JT’s speeches are still so interesting, David was in a swim suit and I was superb!!! Matter of opinion really, I supose.

Tomorrow, the adventure continues as we go on down south to the beach resort of Pattaya for a couple of days, being joined by John on Friday for the weekend.

Oh here comes Dave, once again in a womens swimsuit. Ably commentated by Sam Price………..a natural.

Comment of the day came from Dave, when a street vendor said to him, “Do you want a watch?” he replied, “Why what are you going to do?”

 Thursday 8th

So, here we are, in Pattaya. unfortunately, a four hour bus ride, which we'll discuss with JT tomorrow. we're booked into the VC Palace hotel which is cheap but cheerful. The town is amazing, and we've seen our first go go bar. A very interesting experience, I must say!!

Dave has just left me, following an Indian meal, for a walk on his own, around the beach area. I'm off to bed, Mr boring bloke!!

Not much else to report, See JT tomorrow when he arrives. If you are reading this, Aimee and Lucy, I love you, and also anyone else who knows I love them.

Friday 9th

Email received from Samantha:

Dear Diary Owner,
In January we were promised, by Nancy, that the diary for March would be "Raunchy" aka Sunday Sport. As an avid reader, I have to confess I'm disappointed. So far it's more "Paunchy" than Raunchy. Have a word with the editorial staff. We want more sex, we want more aliens, and we want more whales..... Get a Grip!

Disappointed from Dudley

Well, yesterdays example of a diary, is what happens when you write it at 2am, having just come from several bars! Tonight's is a little more lucid. (Sam if you really want to know all the gory bits, you'll have to wait and get them in person when I return.

So, we've had an interesting day, chilling out on the beach at Pattaya. A little bit overcast, temperatures only reaching upper 20's today. We've just been out for a meal with JT and Sak at a really posh place called the sugar hut. An outdoor, Thai restaurant, set in the middle of a tropical forest, with peacocks, crickets, bullfrogs etc setting the audio scene. All was going well, until Dave tried a cocktail at the end of the meal. A Marguerite. The picture tells a story as he sent it back because there was salt on the glass!!

Finally, we are now "more relaxed than a recently retired Jamaican nightwatchman, lying in a fur hammock, watching a very slow test match, while wearing extremely loose trousers."

 

JT gets caught in first downpour for four months

Saturday 10th

The adventure continues, as we now have arrived back at JT’s Happyland. It’s Saturday afternoon, and we’ve got to prepare for our flight to Phuket and the small, tropical islands, tomorrow. Today has been a quiet day traveling back from Pattaya. We’ve just had lunch at a shopping centre, another traditional Thai meal of very hot curry. (Our international host had fish and chips!!!) Then up to the top floor of this 6 story shopping centre, similar to the Mander centre, and we were in a kids theme park. Not a small one, but roller coasters, stages, an outside waterpark, go carting and much more. And all on the roof.

Back to Happyland in a taxi, which is where Dave got wedged in the back, stuck fast. It may have been justice for the “special” show that he went off to, on his own, at 2am this morning. I’m sure, Sam, he’ll fully brief you on his return. He’s been a little cagey with me about it. He’s now having a lie down, upstairs, recovering.

The diary will now, really be on the hoof as we hit the little islands. Let’s see how much more relaxed we can get!

Sunday 11th

So, our mission continues, at the Thara Patong Beach Hotel, in Phuket. We flew in this morning, and the weather was overcast, but by the time we hit the beach at 2.30 pm, the sun had come with avengence. We got our sunbeds and roasted for the afternoon. Dave tried to recreate the Ursula Andress scene from Dr. No as he walked out of the warm sea on several occasions.

Then, as Dave went in again, I had a traditional Thai massage on the beach from my personal masseuse, Una. She had very strong hands for an old crone, who promised to love Dave and I long time if we return tomorrow!

Dave then went shopping whilst I returned to our little bungalow at the resort hotel. I'm well into "The Beach" at the moment and we are following the book as it happens. Tomorrow lunchtime, we catch our small boat to the little island of Koh Phi Phi, where we will be staying in beach huts, as in the book.

We've just eaten and are off on the town.

Report in when we hit civilisation next

Monday 12th

[You may remember Nick and Dave asking where they could find very big Hawaiian type shirts. My Mom has come up with the answer]

"I can't resist a challenge! :- GAUDY (dictionary says - tastelessly or inappropriately fine, showy or brilliant) HAWAIIAN TYPE SHIRTS SIZE XXXXL can be purchased from Hilo Hatties store. Unfortunately it is in Honolulu!"

So, here we are, 48km off the coast of Phuket, at Koh Phi Phi, the island where "The Beach" was filmed. Quite spooky as you travel to the places in the book you are reading. We are now living in a beach hut on Phi Phi. As you walk out of the hut, you are on a tropical beach. In fact, as we were sitting on our balcony tonight, before coming out, a coconut fell out of the palm tree at the front, onto our porch, splitting open on impact.

We're now more relaxed than an extremely chilled out, ganja smoking sloth, with low blood pressure, lying in a warm Jacuzzi, watching a sunset, after a very lazy day doing absolutely nothing.............. slowly!

And it can only get better. Dave is off looking for a good restaurant whilst I do this, then tomorrow we're off to Long Beach to snorkel on the coral reefs, following our 8am dip in the warm sea outside our front door. Off to the bars now, messy old job but someone's got to do it. By the way, Sam, have I got a story about last night to tell!!!

Tuesday 13th

I'm out on my own tonight. After an excellent day snorkeling amongst all the brightly coloured fish, and on the beach in the blazing sun, Dave is now in bed with sun stroke. Doesn't matter how many times I told him, he knew best! I'm a little burnt myself, but nothing too serious. It is SO hot. I've finished "The Beach" and to cap it, a trip to Maya where it was filmed. Sorry, JT, photo mission failed, explain later!

I'm off for more seafood now, before an earlyish night and our early morning boat to the next paradise island of Krabi. Another beach hut to find, but if DG isn't better, maybe a posher hotel. Speak soon. 

Wednesday 14th

We're now back on the mainland in Southern Thailand, in the coastal town of  Krabi. DG got worse last night, doing the sick thing then the shivering,  and me playing mother sitting up all night looking after him. Big case of  sunstroke. Kinda takes the shine of the paradise beach huts when there's so  much vomit. Anyway, we decided to hit the 9am boat back to the mainland, and  arrived in Krabi at lunchtime. I made a decision that the traveling and sun  was no good for me big buddy, so I booked us into a 5 star hotel, the Krabi  Meritime (room 3723). By this time, DG has come out in sunburn blisters, so  he's spent the day in luxury, in bed asleep. He seems to be much better now  and we've come down to this very luxurious restaurant, overlooking a mango  lagoon for a meal.

Looks like things are on the up. There's a Karaoke bar here open till 2. 
Bliss. Speak soon, everything's cool.

Thursday 15th

This was our second day in Krabi, after a physically uncomfortable night, but nice surroundings. We got up early and decided upon a nice relaxing day, in the shade, by the luxurious pool. The morning was spent swimming, reading, swimming, watching the dragon flies buzz the pool, a drink at the pool bar, etc. What was it JT once said? "I wonder what the......... are doing now?" sprang to mind.

However, there was an evil which lurked in the pool, an unseen menace. Despite staying in the shade, religiously, somehow we got even more sun burnt. I was totally incredulous. So much so, we were incapacitated for yet another night!!

We did manage to eat at the hotel restaurant, where I made friends with the bar singer, Shanice, from the Phillipines. She ended up dedicating every song to "My friend" and waving. The high point was when she said, "this is for my special friend, a song by Elton John." Then she launched into "Imagine". I don't think Elt ever made a recording of that, but I didn't like to burst her bubble, and applauded the same.

Tomorrow, we're off traveling again. This time to the town of Trang, where we will catch the plane back to Bangkok and Happylands. 

Friday 16th

A traveling day today, from the hotel into Krabi, then on from Krabi, a 2 hour bus ride to Trang, then a flight back up country to Bangkok International. Nothing really to report about the traveling day, other than it was long.

It was nice to return "home", and see the welcoming face of our host on the doorstep. What he was doing down there, no one knows, but up he got again and welcomed us. Then, within minutes, we were out on the town, drinking again. Strange, it always happens when we're with JT!! To a pub called "Saxophone" with a live blues band.......and T bone steak. Does anyone in Britain remember them? I don't know how bad its got, but we're eating as much meat as we can before we come home. 

Saturday 17th

Today, it was the Patana School Fun Day, and we were privileged enough to be taken along on a visit. It reminded me of those warm English days in my childhood when there were summer fayres at school, church and Scouts. There were stalls, raffles, in fact everything you'd expect. And there was a stage! 

Well, there we were, when all of a sudden, I heard a familiar riff floating across this English scene. My attention was immediately drawn to the stage where a ragged band of musicians had gathered. I was drawn to the stage in what I can only describe as a trance like state, as the haunting melody of "Smoke on the Water" boomed out. I was transformed, no, transported back to Woodstock as Mike the vocalist pushed back the envelopes of musical boundaries, creating a crucible of cochophony around what was now a stadium. Others gathered, but the dancing crowd thinned out, possibly due to a bad batch of Magnum ice creams, who knows.

The keyboard player had been struck down by the ice creams, and this led to the local church organist standing in at short notice, from the audience. By the time the frenzy hit "Black Magic Woman", we were gone, solid gone on this wave of nostalgia that to me WAS Patana 2001, the festival. I don't know the name of THAT band, but I'll never quite forget what they did to me.

From there we traveled to Pantip Plaza, computer heaven, where Dave and I were like kids in a sweet shop, spending madly.

The evening was spent at the Mexican restaurant, Senor Picos, before finishing off Paddy's Day in style at "Shenanigans", with a Guinness and a sing song. To top off the "trip" of the day, how many people worldwide can say that they spent Paddy's Day in an Irish Pub, then walked out, bumping into an elephant which was outside the front door? I'm sure it's been claimed before, but this was a REAL elephant.

Sunday 18th

Woke early this morning, for some too early, and we all set off for Jatuchak Market, the biggest in the world. We shopped for pressies and trinkets in the most amazing place. Then we returned home where I was cooking a roast beef Sunday dinner. This all went fine, but try using an oven with no numbers on the dials and certain foods with different labels. It was OK, but I'm sure they being polite. Anyway, the beef was nice!!!!

Dave and I both bought great big Thai cushion seats to take home so JT displayed his Sea Scout training in knots to wrap them up.

Now, I'm sitting typing thiswhilst listening to Barbera Striesand in concert, and drinking some red wine. Ahhhh! Last night tonight, whisky at the ready.

So, our last night in Bangkok started with the four of us at The Hard Rock Cafe, drinking cocktails. Then JT and Sak left us, (school night!) and we headed off for Patpong. We ended up in Radio City bar, and to our dismay found out that Elvis and Tom Jones had got the night off. Even the excellent band were not on. However, the replacement band were fine and we set to enjoying our last night. DG had made a friend, an English guy with the same build as DG, who had been on holiday here for a month on his own.

At about 2am it happened. The second band for the evening, who had been very good with all kinds of music, and had been interacting with me, at the front, singing away with them all night, Mr enthusiastic, did that one thing to make me happy. The singer handed me a radio mike. He got himself another one, and suddenly, there I was, hauled onto the stage for their last number. We sang a harmonised duet of The Doors', "Light My Fire" which went down a storm. I ended up eating a meal with the band as if I was one of them, upstairs. Nice one! 

DG and his mate joined me, and we left Bangkok, headed for Happylands, a contented couple of travelers, preparing for the journey home.

Monday 19th

11:30pm I've just checked the Bangkok Airport web page and yes, The Blues Brothers have left the country. Phew! One broken chair, one knackered CD player, one empty fridge, two sets of sleepless neighbours, many dry bars, umpteen scared dogs and children ... but I miss them already.

Their last day in Bangkok was anything but uneventful. After a last minute shopping spree buying such oddities as dance machines and bottles of Red Bull in bulk, Dave and Nick packed their bags and we left Happyland bound for the Airport via a very special restaurant to make their last night memorable. Their last night was memorable, but not for the reason I planned.

We got into the taxi. Dave in the front seat with one carry on bag by his feet, Nick and I in the back. We couldn't see a thing as we both had jumbo size Thai Triangular cushions on our laps wedged in up to the roof of the taxi. The moment we set off the heavens opened.

Whenever the rain starts, the traffic slows so we had a very slow journey to the vicinity of the restaurant. As we left the highway the driver took us down some narrow back streets as the rain, thunder and lightening got worse. Gradually we could see puddles turning into streams into rivers into floods. The level of the water on the roads rose higher and higher and the speed of the flowing water increased too. The bags in the half open boot were getting soaked through.

Nick was screaming as the water started to leak in through the window of the cab... then his screams turned to sobbing as we realised that slowly the floor of the cab was filling with water. First our feet felt wet, then our ankles, then our calves. We were actually sitting in a sinking ship!

Ah this point we started laughing hysterically at the situation we were in. Their nice clean, dry flight home clothes were now wringing wet. The floods were ever rising and we soon realised that if the taxi stopped moving it would never start again. We could get nowhere near the restaurant so decided that getting as high as possible was the best plan. The sky train was our target.

Dripping wet, carrying sodden luggage and cushions we traveled by skytrain to Victory Monument station where we found another taxi. There were no floods here so it was at this point I decided to bid farewell to my friends the two big drips as they squelched the rest of the way to the airport.

Tuesday 20th

A message on the answering machine confirms that the dynamic duo are safely on their way back to the UK.

Wednesday 21st

Slowly Thailand gets back to normal. Once more people venture onto the streets. Once more birds can be heard singing happily in the trees. Once more stocks of beer replenish the drained bars of Bangkok.

Dinner at the the Talisman restaurant on Sukhumvit Soi 20. Excellent French food directed by two identical twins. Jean and Francois are in television production which explains its soaring Moroccan tent of a ceiling and its dramatic atmosphere. Couldn't fault it. 

$  $  $  $  $  

Thursday 22nd

I spend the morning at a Networking seminar at Assumption University. Five people presenting. Three people in the audience.

This afternoon I meet the staff at the 20th World Scout Jamboree office who welcomed my offer of help with open arms. Could find myself very busy in the next two years.

Friday 23rd

I've added a search facility to the diary menu page. This allows you to search all the diaries I've written since being in Thailand. Click on the "Diary" button to the left of this page then enter your search term into the box at the bottom of the next page. It searches all the months up to, but not including this month.

Now if you type your name into the search box you can see all I've written about you over the last three years.

Hmmmmmm ... What was I thinking about? I can put the search box wherever I like... so here it is:

Dinner at Yak Yor Restaurant (or something similar) on the opposite side of the river to the Sheraton Hotel. Good food, quite cheap and great entertainment... particularly when the waitresses got on stage to start dancing. I'll give it 4 stars

$  $  $  $  $  

Saturday 24th

Despite being on the front row and far too close to the screen, the film Miss Congeniality was brilliant, very funny. Nick, you'd like it, they play "Mustang Sally".

Sunday 25th

Happy Mother's Day Mom. Hope Greeny remembered to bring round the flowers and present. See you in a fortnight.

Monday 26th

I'm watching Survivor. It's not the same as Big Brother. The fast moving editing and background music doesn't get you as involved with the characters. Still the players with my money on them haven't been voted out yet.. I could stand to win a grand!! (a thousand baht that is...)

Tuesday 27th

Just got an email from Simon Foley who's reading this diary again ?!?. By coincidence Mom sent a newspaper cutting from home today with the following link to a diary of Foley Speak!

The dialect of Simon Foley remains perhaps one of the last examples of early English still spoken today. The word endings with 'en' are still noticeable in conversation as in 'gooen' (going), callen (calling) and the vowel A is pronounced as O as in sond (sand), hond (hand) and mon (man).Other pronunciations are 'winder' for window, 'fer' for far, and 'loff' for laugh - exactly as Chaucer's English was spoken.

Foley Dictionary

Wednesday 28th

I hadn't read the  Bangkok Post for months so I thought I'd catch up as I'll be meeting with the supplement editor this week. No she doesn't want to do a deal to print this diary every week (which won't surprise you), but she does want to talk to me about her son's progress who's in my tutor group.

I had forgotten about the weekly "Night Owl" column which passes on the gossip from the Bangkok bar scene and is interspersed with such top quality material such as this:

- One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a shapely young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there.

"The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Thursday 29th

Hey Shep. Thanks again for the videos you recorded from the TV. I have just got to the "100 Best TV Moments from Hell". When I stopped the video, I saw the programme that was being shown here on Thai TV. It was a more hellish TV moment than anything an the video. It was "Endurance UK" with Paul Ross. Has Britain ever exported anything worse? (foot and mouth excluded).

Friday 30th

My tutor group had to raise at least 1500 baht to fulfill our monthly commitment to support a child in the Napo Children's Village in Northern Thailand. They had the idea to make a "Candid Camera" video and charge 20 baht per person to come and see the finished product. They spent the week getting teachers to do silly things while being filmed.

We raised 1700 baht from the 15 minute film show at lunchtime today and I have the video tape which I'll sell to the highest bidder!

Saturday 31st

So I was looking for the Muppet's Treasure Island (for another crazy stunt at school on Monday) and went into, what I thought was, one of the more reputable shopping centres in Bangkok. I explained what I was looking for to the assistant at the video shop. She said she didn't have it there but could I follow her into the lift. Obediently I got into the lift with her and we went up to the fifth floor which seemed to be a corridor of locked, unlabeled doors. She unlocked one of these doors and we went into an empty room. She locked the door behind me. We then passed through another locked door when I saw a large table in the middle of a fairly empty room.

I sat down at the table and was given a number of albums showing the videos and VCDs they had for sale. Dodgy or what !!! Films more unlike Muppet's Treasure Island I can't imagine.

I would like to put it on record that I did not purchase a film today!