Monday 1st

(Shep continues to write the Diary!)

Still in Ubon Ratchathani and I can now pronounce the place! We had negotiated with the hotel driver to take us into Cambodia for the day (beats a day-trip to Rhyl anyday). He knocked on my door at 7.00am in the morning - those of you who know me will realise that I didn't know there were two 7 o'clocks in a day - to say that he can't go but has arranged for someone else to take us. I think maybe the hotel had stopped him going off for the day with the company minibus. Obviously his job-description should have specified that he should just run people to and from the airport - not neighbouring, war-torn countries.

So there we were, at 8 o'clock in the morning, in a pick-up truck being driven by someone who we'd never met before, who didn't speak English, being driven into territory that was held by the Kyhmer Rouge Army just a couple of years ago! So much for John 'Trust-me' Tranter!

The day was superb!!! We crossed over the border to visit the Khao Phra Wihaan temple  with quite a few Thai visitors. The border has only recently been re-opened and the sight of 'Danger-Land Mines' signs and a crashed helicopter really brought home the fact that the Khymer Rouge had only recently been defeated.

The temple is on top of a hill and as I looked over Cambodia it was difficult to envisage that such a beautiful country experienced such horrors in the late 1970's. When I worked at Central Television we did several documentaries on the Pol Pot regime and their atrocities and it brought it all back. (Read or see the film 'The Killing Fields').

The ruins of the temple were fascinating and I met my first Cambodian. (He said that he had just met his first Andy Shepherd) I had taken my mobile phone with me (just in case!!!) and found that I could just get a signal from Thailand. I also realised that it was 5.30am at home in the UK so decided to give some friends an early-morning alarm call from Cambodia. I know that they will appreciate it!!!!!

I  bought a silver nut holder from the market there. Reminder - I must buy some nuts when I get home and take up nut-eating.

We arrived back at the hotel for a bath through the window (see 28th Feb. entry) and time to relax before the flight home. On the flight John tried to teach me some of the vowels in the Thai alphabet, and I can now do perfect impressions of Frankie Howerd.

I have also discovered a new ailment whilst here. I am always careful to avoid sunburn and take careful measures when out in the sun. However, I am suffering from cloud-burn. The sun-rays are so strong they still burn even when cloudy.

Tuesday 2nd

I have finally met the maid - I don't know who was the most surprised to find a stranger in the house - her or me. John has a wonderful life here with a maid to do all the housework, washing and so on, a gardener to keep the grounds in order and a butler to look after him.

Decided to go and visit a few sights in Bangkok. I took a taxi to the Temple of the Emerald Buddha. Once there, I found that I couldn't go in as I was wearing sandals. I had taken long trousers but didn't realise that sandals are a no-no as it is the most religious temple here. I was offered some shoes but as things seems to be growing out of them, I declined (a bit like the shoes you hire at Ten-pin Bowling Alleys). I was quite a sight though, watching male tourists in shorts putting on sarongs to cover their legs.

So instead I walked around the corner to Wat-Po (the temple of the reclining Buddha) and has no problems whatsoever getting in. It was very relaxing walking around the grand architecture and sights.

Now here is a tip for any tourists to Bangkok. Go and see the popular temples - they are unbelievable - that's why they're popular. But afterwards, walk past all the street-sellers and Tuk-tuk drivers offering to sell you their grandmothers and explore the surrounding areas. Only 400 metres away from the temple, I discovered some wonderful sights that could only be seen here. Fisherman catching fish in a canal at the side of the road, which didn't look as if it would support any life - the Temple of the Pig, a huge golden pig on top of a monolith in the middle of houses - a fresh-flower market - and about 300 people doing open-air aerobics in the middle of the local park to a huge PA system.

At 6 o'clock I found myself outside the Police Station as they were playing the National Anthem whilst the flag was being lowered. About half the passers-by stopped to stand to attention so I joined in (don't want to upset the locals).

I then crossed the river and saw a small boat, about 15 feet long, pulling four rice barges. Now these rice barges are about 100 feet long and 30 feet wide and have no means of propulsion. The four were joined together in one long train (400 feet) being pulled by this small tug-boat. I walked along the bank and estimated that they were travelling at about one mile an hour. That was until another boat over took them. The wave of any passing boats was too powerful for the small tug-boat and quite often it would come to a stand-still or even start going backwards. I hope the rice arrives one day.

Finished the day doing some shopping near Silom (after reading the map for the tuk-tuk driver!) and finally made my way home. I can now direct the taxi in Thai!

Wednesday 3rd

As this was my last day in Bangkok, I decided to rise at 8.00am and catch a train for a day out. I didn't know where, just anywhere suitable.

I rose at 8.00am and promptly went back to sleep again. I blame jet-leg/heat exhaustion/some tropical illness (delete as applicable) so the plans went out of the window.

Instead I spent the afternoon at the Red Cross Building where they breed snakes for anti-venom serum. To get to the snake farm you follow the signs to the 'Anonymous Clinic' which is also at the back of the building. I hope no-one saw me go in.

I managed to buy a replacement bottle of whisky (see first day of holiday) and have given this to John so that he can smash it in his own this time.

This evening, John took me to a cocktail bar on the 59th Floor of the Westin Banyan Tree to see sunset on Bangkok. It was cloudy but the view was still spectacular. We then went onto the Asia Hotel to see the Calypso Cabaret followed by a final meal at the 'Eat Me' restaurant run by an Aussie.

Suddenly remembered tonight that I haven't posted my postcards home - must do so before I leave.

Thursday 4th

Travelling back this morning after a wonderful week. As always it was too short and there are so many things I still want to see. But I did so much and had so many experiences in just one week.

The hospitality here is wonderful, the company superb and the tour guide is second-to-none. I can certainly recommend a trip to Thailand with Tranny Tours. (I have offered reciprocal hospitality in the UK but he doesn't want to take up the offer!).

Sawadee Khop as I hand the diary back to John.

Friday 5th

So as Shep flies off into the sunset it's my turn to continue the daily words of wisdom. (Thinks... Simon Foley has started writing a daily diary too; He's a pretty funny guy... I could just cut and paste excerpts from his life and make out they're mine... On the other hand he supports Aston Villa... maybe not such a good idea!)

Saturday 6th

Certain pupils pupils are in for a tough time at school from now on. Today was the school International Fun Day and I had to do a stint on the dunking stool; certain people actually paid money to throw balls at the dunking mechanism sending me into the drink! ....Apart from that an excellent day.

Sunday 7th

Did you know:

- 82% of Americans believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
- 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 46.5% of men say they always put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to always find it up.
- 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet.
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone.
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 10% switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week.
- 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
- Nearly 1/3 of US women colour their hair.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

Monday 8th

When we first arrived at Patana we were given a map drawn up by a teacher who had been here some years, showing the location of local shops, hospitals and other places of interest in this immediate vicinity. I feel as that I could add to that map the many excellent Thai live music venues in this area. Last nights discovery was a place with a name which sounds like "Poor Barn". Not one of the best but still quite good, particularly as there was a wedding party in full swing which added to the atmosphere.

I have noticed that the staff in these establishments often give a polite little bow when you say thank you to them. It's not a British full bow, nor a Japanese one but more like the person is ducking to miss a flying pudding... as in the song "..all of a sudden another great pudding came whooshing through the air". They don't write songs like that anymore!

Finishing off the evening at "Lamb Kong" I noticed a particular member of staff there seemed omni-present. Every time I turned round he was there... Then I discovered he was two identical twins. There names are Widget and Pie-When. They don't name twins like that anymore!

Tuesday 9th

Starting to think about where I'd like to live next year. Do I stay close to the school or move nearer to the City. Do I keep the huge house I'm in at present or look for somewhere more compact. The personnel dept at school want to know what our plans are so I have already started following up adverts in the paper.

Yesterday I found the really superb three bedroom apartment on Soi 59 (halfway between School and City). It is owned by a couple of doctors who bought it for their son when he grows up and have just done it up with brand new furnishings. The view was the classic "Frazier" city at night view, something I'd always fancied having. The price was just perfect. Trouble is I won't be able to move in till July and they want it occupied right away. Mai Pen Rai

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Received an e-mail today from someone who's been reading the "Birmingham Maths" web site and assumes I maintain it from Birmingham:

"Dear Mr Tranter,

You may think this a cheek to use your E-mail address in this manner, but as a born and bred Brummie, I hope that you take pity upon me! I am the Head of Mathematics at The International School of Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam trying to locate......."

Wednesday 10th

Got jeans repaired by old woman sitting on the pavement with an old-fashioned sewing machine. She put an (invisible) patch over the 6" split by the back pocket. Charged me 20B (30p).

Thursday 11th

Another parent's evening ... long day ... but only three weeks till Easter.

During the Evening of relieving the stress after a long day's work... Mike and I had a number of adventures; the most amazing of which was the Pakistani guy we met (and who somehow managed to invite himself to join us for drinks!). He had this amazing skill of being able to hold your arm, somewhere near the elbow, and completely take over control of your hand. He did it to me and I couldn't believe what was hapenning.. my fingers and hand moved to his instructions... I had no say in the matter at all.. spooky.

Well that's my story Your Honour and I'm sticking to it!

Friday 12th

What a hectic day.. Two Maths teachers absent and to add to the busyness of the day, my tutor group were doing "7T's Believe It Or Not" at lunchtime today to raise funds for a Thai Children's Charity. Lots to do to ensure that the Floating Lady, Tallest Married Couple, Man Eating Fish, Smallest Man, Body of Nelson etc all got to the right place at the right time.

Saturday 13th

As the kids are at school are trying desperately to find the Foley Web Site, Simon asked me to take the link off this page just in case... can't have the kids reading the odd "bugger" or F**k* can we! It's still the funniest site on the web for my money so I'll pinch an excerpt  to show you what I mean:

I got this off my mom today:

Hello Sims

Glad we are back in business again. John "two cut" Holmes isn't very nice is he? I didn't know I was a dear sweet old thing! - that told you John............We are going to Wales on 20 March for a week but I will remind you of that again when we get nearer to it.  I'll let you know when we have booked the plane fare Mom I take it you mean for when you come to Thailand?............ looking forward to it - watching all the holiday programs!  Well no more mindless chatter. I notice you are still in touch with Emma by the way.

Mom forgive me for including it but it was top.  It was worth my internet fee alone.  You forgot to mention the decorating though.  How am I going to know what colour the living room is otherwise?   Mom's 'eh got to love 'em. 

  I heard a quote from Neil Doig today about a new waitress at Buarod that was classic:

"she is gorgeous, 'er English aint bad either, you should 'ear the way she sez Chicken"

Sunday 14th

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Monday   15th

Had hair cut today. Just like in England, the barber chatted away as he went about his work. Trouble was it was in Thai so I couldn't understand the questions he was asking me... so to be polite I just thought I'd give the standard answers to all barber's questions.

"Yes it is very warm for the time of year"
"I think I'll be returning to England for my holidays this year"
"No I don't need any thanks!"

Oh ... The end of the world is nigh ... there has been a fire at Lamb Kong ... my local ... just off to check out the damage.

Tuesday 16th

Well it's not as bad as first reports. Lamb Kong is badly damaged but still standing. It was not open for business but just like in the blitz (not sure what that means but I hear older people talk about it!) everyone had pulled together as the show must go on (I'm sure this is a mixed metaphor or something like that.)

The band had set up in front of the building and my bottle of whisky (they keep one there for me) was scorched but still drinkable. Under the stars I eat fried rice and chicken from the makeshift kitchen while listening to the band play through a small PA system. There was a good feeling as everyone was doing there bit for "business as usual", even the toilet attendents had set up for business at the outside toilet!

Wednesday 17th

I'm receiving someone else's email. Somewhere in the world there is a John Trantor missing out. Some of it is quite interesting, particularly today's flurry of messages about Dilbert's Theorem:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and marketing people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Thursday 18th

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Had the most disasterous (is that how you spell it?) meal this evening at "The Street of Hollywood". A certain friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (but his initials are Mike Williams), ordered Thai food for four of us by pointing at random words on a Thai menu. When the dishes arrived they were all the most impossibly hot, spicy Thai salads you can get... making a Vindaloo curry seem like a Baked Alaska.

Though four big strapping lads we were, the food beat us easily and sent us running for more drinks and ice cubes.

Friday 19th

A Bangkok police officer who wore a ghost mask while directing traffic has been kept off the streets by his supervisors who were horrified by the joke.
Pol Cpl Nikhom Krutkaew, of Dusit station, has been transferred to a job in which he will not deal directly with the public, said Pol Maj-Gen Boriboon Wutthipakdi.

Pol Maj-Gen Boriboon said Pol Cpl Nikhom, who was caught on film while haunting traffic on Ratchadamnoen road on March 7, was "immature and crazy". He said the corporal's superiors should pay more attention to their subordinates. Pol Cpl Nikhom, who was pleased to have avoided detention, said he wore the ghost mask in an attempt to ease the stress of motorists in jams but would not dare do it again

Which reminds me of last Halloween

Saturday 20th

Morning doing a bit of shopping for imported food items at Villa Supermarket... Afternoon and evening working on this computer (getting a bit cross - eyed at the moment)

Here's some more from the local newspaper:

Octoggearian Gerald Patrick signs a complaint against Ms. Kongphan Khreuangsoongnern for being one of two persons who beat him and stole his money. Ms. Kongphan attempted to disguise herself as a nun, but was picked up in a local disco when her drinking and dancing in nun’s attire aroused suspicion.

Sunday 21st

Particularly for the benefit of Shep, who has been to Lamb Kong, I can say that it does not look good. I went along last night and was lead into the back room, which used to house the snooker tables, but now has been converted into the stage/pub room. The band played on a smaller than normal stage and the atmosphere was as good as ever. Gee-Oh, one of the  friendly waiters took me through the connecting door to see the fire damage. Even though I knew what I would see, it was still quite a shock, I wish I'd had my camera with me. A place that I've come to know really well... the scene of many entertaining evenings was now just a black tangle of charcoal. I didn't expect it to but it sent a shiver down my spine .. a very sad site.

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You won't catch me eating dancing shrimp... Yeuch!

Updated Thai Flash Phrase program today ... 32 bit version.

Visited Thai friends house today ... very small ... holes in roof ... no furniture ... family of eight ... I don't have the heart to bring them here to my excessively large abode.

Happy Mother's day ... (woops... it was last Sunday ... I forgot... We don't have Mother's day here in Thailand so there were no signs in shops to remind me.... even if there were I don't go into those sorts of shops much anyway)

The band were coming round this evening but have just phoned to cancel ... all this unexpected free time ... That's why there's more than the normal amount of drivel written today.

Monday 22nd

Twelve famous predictions

1. Computers in the future may weigh more than 1.5 tons. (Popular Mechanics 1949)

2. We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out. (Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles 1962)

3. The abdomen, the chest and brain will always be off limits to surgeons. (Surgeon General to Queen Victoria 1873)

4. Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. (Professor of Economics Yale University 1929)

5. The advent of water tight compartments has all but removed the threat from mid ocean collisions. (White Star Line 1911)

6. The telephone has too many shortcomings and is unnecessary for companies with a full complement of messenger boys. (Western Union Internal Memo 1876)

7. Data processing is a fad that won't last a year. (Editor of Business Books Prentice Hall Publishing 1957)

8. I can assure you that our naval signals are immune to code breakers. (Admiral Donitz to the Japanese ambassador 1942)

9. But what is a microchip good for? (IBM Engineer 1968)

10. Seriously to suggest salt and vinegar or beef flavored potato chips is like maintaining that bingo is here to stay. (Marketing Adviser to Smith's Crisps 1969)

11. Everything that can be invented has been invented. (Commissioner of US Office of Patents 1899)

12. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Bill Gates 1981)

Tuesday 23rd

Long day... 'nother parents evening ... can't be bothered to write anything.

Wednesday 24th

Spent evening sorting out the Maths Faculty timetable for 1999/2000. Exciting stuff!

Thursday 25th

Kim (High School Secretary) spotted a two foot snake (length not limb count) slither into the crowd of potted plants on the 1st floor (not ground floor) corridor near my office. She assures me that the gardeners have not found it and got rid of it; but I've a aerosol tin and cigarette lighter standing by just in case (just like in that James Bond film).

Talking of cigarattes (which I almost was); I thought I'd learned a new Thai word .... Chickalet ... only to find that it is meant to be the English word cigarette but the Thai friends of mine pronounced it like a very tiny chicken.

Which almost links to Panama (cigar not chickalet)... Had an email today from Shep saying he's bought a Panama hat as he got so used to wearing one while he was here in Thailand. Bet it looks a bit daft on the number 13 bust to Chingford on a cold, damp March morning... eh Shep?

Friday 26th

Joined Thai (from the Gatang band) and his wife for a meal at "Round Midnight", a trendy city centre restaurant with live music which is more western than Thai. I think some of the cover versions we heard were actually better than the originals!

Saturday 27th

Though the news from Yugoslavia is currently taking up most of the headlines, there are still the stories which I can read through the Internet from here in Thailand which remind me of the UK. For example these two stories caught my eye from this mornings Telegraph:

APILOT surveying the area for the Pembrokeshire Coast National Park discovered a secret "eco-village" in Wales which survived for five years without interference from the outside world.

THREE mathematicians have devised a system to help gamblers win on the lottery.

Sunday 28th

What would you call someone who stands in a field in East Thailand, in the middle of the night, standing on a plastic chair holding up the skull and horns of a buffalo?

I dread to think how most decent sensible folk would answer that question ... because the person who did this today was me!

Friends I had made in one of the per-chi-vit (Thai songs about real life) clubs had got tickets for an outdoor mega concert by Thailand's top band, Carabao. They had included me in their party and though the venue was near Pattaya, I decided to travel there and hope I would be able to get back to Bangkok in the middle of the night.

The event was brilliant... We had seats on the front row with the huge crowd behind us. As soon as the group came on stage the crowd surged forwards and the plastic chairs were used to stand on. The symbol for this type of music is the skull and horns of a buffalo and many fans had bought their own version along to this concert. After one or two (or more) beers I felt myself taken up in the spirit of the moment and as I danced on my plastic chair a huge skull with horns was passed along for me to hold in the air. I remember having to distinct feelings: 1) This was the best open air concert I'd been to since Live Aid... 2) How on earth do I explain this at work tomorrow?

The only night bus from Pattaya to Bangkok leaves at 3am.

Monday 29th

5am I got back home, jumped into bed for one hour's sleep before the alarm went off at 6:10am.

Had a great day at work ... didn't feel the effects of the sleepless night till 4pm when I slept for three hours ready for my Thai lesson at 8pm

Tuesday 30th

Message for Simon Foley.. Pom mah jahk Wolverhampton, pom mai ben Brummy dtair pom pood dta-lok same same kun. Rao kao jai rao dtair khun Thai mai kao jai rao! Mai pen rai.

Wednesday 31st

You won't believe this but... Carabao are playing in Bangkok tonight and I'm going to see them again with Mike and the band who play at the Lamb Kong Club.

February | April