Sunday 1st

I would say my computer was 98% of it's former self after last month's virus attack. Most functions seem to be working OK but there are also a couple of programs that don't respond because one of their files was deleted in the cleaning up process.

I thought I might take this opportunity to upgrade to Windows 2000, so today I bought a disk from Pantip Plaza. I inserted it into the CD drive and it began chugging away. The first thing it did was give me a list of all the programs I currently have installed which won't work after the upgrade! Even the modem software wont work. I terminated the installation straight away.

Maybe upgrading isn't always the answer. What does Shep have to say on the subject?

To: Technical Support Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please? Thanks, Joe

.

Dear Joe: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony, Child support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I also suggest you read the entire section regarding GPF's (General Partnership Faults) You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command \APOLOGIZE.    in any case avoid excessive use of the ESCAPE key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to your hard drive.

This just wouldn't happen in England!!!! The landlord is having new curtains put up in the house for me, and today was the day. I was working upstairs and when I came down into the kitchen what did I see but two workmen fast asleep on the floor. Apparently they were waiting for a part to be delivered so they just lay down on the floor and snoozed away. Amazing Thailand. 

Impromptu dinner party at 8pm as the Earls family next door had locked themselves out.

Monday 2nd

Wow I wrote a lot yesterday. I'll make up for it by not writing a lot today.

Tuesday 3rd

Thought I would investigate owning the Tranter domain name. Too late, other Tranters have beaten me to it:

http://www.Tranter.com     The heat transfer people
http://www.Tranter.co.uk     Tobacco Blender & Cigar Merchant

Wednesday 4th

Happy Birthday Julie (my sister)

 Thursday 5th

Must be the poshest do I've been to. Silver service dinner for 50 people, most of whom were ambassadors and diplomats, at The Hilton. After dinner was a performance of "Harvey" starring Geoffrey Holland (from "Hi de Hi") and other well known TV and stage personalities (including the guy off the Benny Hill Show). Ratio of cast to audience 1:5.

Friday 6th - Sunday 8th

Weekend on Ko Samet, an island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Monday 9th

It turned out to be a whole evening's entertainment. I can only put it down to a slow day's business and some new recruits to train. My trip out to have my hair cut lasted longer than I intended.

Now I am used to a six minute trim as is the norm at the "Clip Joint" on Wednesfield High Street. So to spend over an hour in the little hairdresser shop at the end of the road just adds to my experience and provides:

Things that happened to me in Asian Barbers No. 47:

Things seemed to be going well at first as I was covered in a blue sheet while I sat in the ancient barber's chair. After describing quite clearly (I thought) how I wanted a quick trim, trainee number one began snipping away. A very attractive young Thai girl, but with not a word of English. I should have realised things were far from normal when she tried to recline the chair so that she could reach the top of my head. The chair had long passed it's days of useful service and I soon ended up in a most ungraceful position, legs akimbo (I've never been sure exactly what "akimbo" means so I hope it's not too rude) and the rest of my body at a funny angle.

She then proceeded to rub pink cream over my chin. Now I'm sure I hadn't asked for a shave as part of the package but shaved I got with a cut throat razor.

Now if you read "Things that happened to me in Asian Barbers No. 9" when I was in Singapore you perhaps will not be surprised when I tell you of the use of a yellow powder puff that somehow came into use at this point. I think the height of the comedy was reached however when the trainee's pet chipmonk scurried out of her pocket and up and over the blue sheet covering me. I let out a shriek of surprise and kicked the hairdresser attending to the customer on my right.

The tale then goes on to follow the gist of the bucket of bricks on a pulley tale which that famous black country comedian recounts so well.

I can't begin to tell you the fun trainee number two had with my hair when the shampooing began .... another time.

It's 8:26pm now and I am back at home. I have just looked in the mirror. I think I'll wear a sign around my neck when I go into work tomorrow saying "well it did only cost 40 baht!" ... It cost 100 baht really (one pount fifty).

Tuesday 10th

If you have been reading these diary pages since I was in Singapore you will know that the quality of the journalism improved greatly when Andy Quinton came to visit and he too over the diary. I was looking for the same to happen to this diary next month whe again Andy was due to visit ... but:

We have had to cancel our trip to see you in November. Jane was involved in a pretty serious car accident and sustained some nasty injuries one being a shattered knee and displaced tendons meaning she cannot walk at present.  The accident happened a couple of weeks ago but I have only let you know now because we weren't sure of how here injuries would affect the holiday. It turns out that she will be out of action for at least four months and even then we wont know how much use she will have from the leg. I contacted British Airways as we had paid for the tickets and they have kindly exchanged them for vouchers which we can use to re book when Jane is well. The vouchers are good for a year so we have plenty of time to re book. We are definitely coming but later than we thought.

Poor old Jane.

On a brighter note, my other imminent visitors, Jas and crew from London, phoned me at school this morning with their plans. I'd forgotten to tell them that my home telephone number has changed so they sat up till the early hours (drinking a great deal too by the sound of them) till they could reach me at school at 7:20am Thai time.

Wednesday 11th

Well Jas, does this answer your question?

Thursday 12th

Another one from Shep.

Microsoft Cars At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:- "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:- l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "Car NT" but then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt. 9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Had my eyes tested and bought a pair of glasses (only for long distance reading!) Think I look a bit academic with them on... perhaps should wear them often .... might impress people?

Friday 13th (part II)

The latest virus warning from Microsoft :


Hello 'dere,  I'm a voirus from Oireland.

Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address
book.

Then delete all the files on your hard disk.

Dat's grand, tanks very much.

Thanks Shep

Saturday 14th

Saw "The Cell" and really enjoyed it (partly due to the very comfy reclining seats in the cinema at Seacon Square). Wore my new glasses and got really involved...

"A murder mystery made outstanding by director Tarsem's extraordinary vision: grotesque extravagance and psychologically disturbing imagery of the highest quality are brilliantly melded to produce a rare masterwork of captivating visuals. The Cell is a strong contender for the Movie Database Editor's Choice Award of 2000."

Sunday 15th

This evening I'm off to Bitec, a smaller version of the NEC just down the road from here. It's the third night of Franz Harary's Bangkok performances:

Harary is one of the world's greatest Magicians. This was best demonstrated on an NBC-TV special in November, 1994, when Harary vanished the Space Shuttle before a live audience at Kennedy Space Center

Harary once made the trumpet section vanish from the 20 yard line and reappear at the opposite end of the football field. He also levitated a young lad at mid-field. Since then, his magic has been featured at countless sporting events including the 1983 Rose Bowl and the 1989 Super bowl.

In 1983 Harary's career skyrocketed when he sent a videotape "cold" to superstar Michael Jackson. The material so impressed the singer that a quick meeting was arranged and Harary found himself the design of all of the illusions Jackson utilized for the famous 1984 "Jackson's Victory Tour" Since working with Jackson, Harary's credits have come to read like a veritable who's who of today's pop music industry. His clients include Janet Jackson, Alice Cooper, Bobby Brown, MC Hammer, Tina Turner, Earth, Wind and Fire as well as countless others.

 

Monday 16th

Highlight of the day was watching "Friends" on TV... Ah well it is a Monday I suppose

Tuesday 17th

Got the Air tickets for Friday ... Off to China for half term!

Wednesday 18th

Went down to our Primary School today to see a presentation on the Numeracy Strategy for parents. Part of the presentation was a video projected onto the large screen showing a typical lesson. To my suprise and amazement it was Jenny Kerwin and a class of Birmingham children... hmmm small world.

I heard from JP that Wolves played the Albion last night ... how did they get on?

Kev's got a new digital camera. Watch this space for pictures of the family holiday to Welsh Wales.

A pupil at school has lent me videos of British TV... the series of programmes on the seventies.

Mom's seen a panther loose in Staffordshire!

Hardly believe I'm in Thailand with all this British stuff in the diary.

Thursday 19th

Hmmm what do you pack when you're off to China for a few days?

Friday 20th - Wednesday 25th

Half term spent in Beijing (Peking) China. One of the best foreign adventures I've had.

 I took lots of photos of the trip, most of which haven't been developed yet, but the digital photos are here. They are in a Flash movie so give them a minute or two to load.

Thursday 26th

Good thing about Thailand No: 513

The people are great

Bad thing about Thailand No: 513

You have to renew your Thai driving licence every year
by going inperson to the issuing office and hanging
around for a hour. What a waste of a morning.

Friday 27th

Received an email from Monica:

... My lovely cousin Helen is out your way soon and I thought you may like to take her and her traveling buddy for a beer....

I replied, offering accommodation and food too. I asked what date she'd be arriving.

Saturday 28th

Monica replied

        ... My cousin Helen is here right now (in Leicester, that is) and is
leaving for Bangkok on Sunday 29th Oct!!

Sunday 29th

No sign of Helen yet!

Monday 30th

Still no sign of Helen.

On another matter I can't seem to defreg my hard drive. Can anyone help?

Tuesday 31st

Jean, Brian, Jas and Pete arrive from London for two weeks here. Bangkok watch out!!

Happy Halloween

Click here for Halloween puzzle